


Priority Mission: The Wedding

by Viscariafields



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-25 23:17:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10774548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viscariafields/pseuds/Viscariafields
Summary: Just a little fluffy one-shot of angry Shepard in a dress yelling at/briefing her old crew.Renegade Shepard/GarrusPost-destroy ending





	Priority Mission: The Wedding

Shepard paced slowly in front of her crew. It felt good to be in command again, even if it was just for today. She eyed them over carefully—most of them had gotten noticeably softer in the past months, and barely any of them had thought to bring a weapon to the occasion, although all of them looked very smart today. Grunt had managed to find a sleeveless Krogan tuxedo, or more likely, had simply ripped the arms off one. Tali was wearing a beautifully embroidered floor-length skirt over her suit, and Samantha, in her dress blues and, oddly, a pair of latex gloves, was placing a flower crown over Tali’s helmet.

James bounced in his dress shoes with his hands in his pockets and smirked at Shepard. “You gonna tell us why you brought us back here? Or are you just enjoying the view?”

Shepard rolled her eyes at him. She was not enjoying much in this small alcove off the main hall. People would be arriving soon. Her prosthetic arm was itchy, and she kept pulling at the lace sleeves Liara had picked out. She didn’t have a single weapon on her, and it was making her antsy; she was considering tossing her future husband out a window. It wouldn’t cause him any real harm—they were on the first floor. She paused in her pacing to consider it further. If she aimed him just right, she could probably launch him into the ornamental pool, and he did hate water…

A peal of cruel laughter broke her from her reverie, and she briefly wondered what Javik was doing now. But he wasn’t her problem anymore; Javik was Liara’s problem now. _Garrus_ was Shepard’s problem now. After today, Garrus was her problem _forever_. It was time to get this cluster fuck over with. She turned to face her crew, her shoes tapping loudly on the tile mosaic, and cleared her throat. Kaidan stopped fussing with Grunt’s boutonniere, Tali quickly finished pouring herself a glass of champagne, and Garrus sidled up to the group from whatever shadow he’d been hiding in. The rest turned to face her at attention.

Even with her crew decked out in tuxes and flowers, Shepard found herself automatically using her military voice to address them with gravity she had once reserved for the reapers. “Listen up! I know you all came a long way to get here today, and you probably all had ideas blowing off some steam at a classic Shepard rager, but plans have changed.”

Dozens of accusing eyes turned to Garrus for an explanation, but he was conspicuously and uncharacteristically silent. Kaidan nudged Tali and whispered, “Cold feet?”

Tali was cheerfully sipping her champagne through her emergency induction port and did not at all seem concerned about this pre-wedding briefing. “Then put some socks on.”

“No, I mean—“

Shepard made a sharp turn on her heel and continued pacing in front of them. “This whole event has gone sideways. What once might have been a simple celebration between friends and family is now…” Her temper bubbled up, choking her words, and she took a deep breath to calm herself, shooting a glare at Garrus as her one hand instinctively formed a fist.

Liara stepped forward to help. “We all saw the relay traffic, Shepard. And the news vids. And, of course there’s this venue we’re in. There must be at least a thousand dignitaries coming.” 

“One thousand two hundred and four,” chimed in Samantha, who had been recruited by Alliance officials to help with coordinating the wedding traffic. 

Shepard took another deep breath and imagined Garrus’s long limbs flailing in the ornamental pond. “Apparently, the crew of the Normandy are now…” she shot an incredulous look at Garrus as she imitated his voice, “’galactic royalty.’ And apparently, if a member of the ‘galactic royalty’ were to have dinner with a certain Turian primarch and tell him that he were getting married, the Turian primarch would treat the wedding like a big fuck off political extravaganza.”

All heads in the room turned to a very sheepish Turian in a tux. Garrus chose this moment to finally say something. “In my defense—“

Tali put her free hand on his shoulder and shook her head. “I really wouldn’t, Garrus.” 

“Can we at least all agree that that was a terrible impression of me?”

Liara stared him down coolly. “Do you really think this is the time to be making fun of your bride, Garrus?”

Tali and Kaidan stood behind her, nodding slowly.

“Commander, back in my cycle, weddings were—“

“Nobody cares, Javik.” Shepard whipped her head around to stare him down. She suddenly noticed that for the first time since she had rescued him from his pod, Javik was wearing something other than his red armor, and her anger dissipated into bewilderment. “Where did you find a Prothean tuxedo?”

“ _I_ found him a tailor,” Liara said, “In _this_ cycle, wearing the same outfit for over 50 thousand years is considered unhygienic.”

“And the flower crown?” Shepard wasn’t quite sure how it was staying on his head.

“I understood that I was meant to look festive, Commander.”

“More like he begged Liara to give him hers,” Tali giggled.

“Where’s my crown?” Wrex whined. “I’m the only one here who’s _actual_ royalty.”

“I’m sorry, Wrex,” Samantha said, “I was in charge of getting the crowns, and it didn’t occur to me you’d want one. _I_ can’t wear one or I’d sneeze through the whole thing.”

“I don’t think they make crowns big enough for your head,” Garrus said dryly, “Besides, you never know, one of your enemies could replace the flowers with a small bomb or lace the flowers with poison.”

Wrex seemed to consider this. “Guess I better not risk it.”

Garrus was getting excited by the prospects of lethal flower crowns. “There could be thorns in them that latch on and dig in to the skull. Or race-specific pathogens, yeah. That would do it.”

Samantha looked horrified. “Is that why Shepard asked us all back here?”

Tali shook her head, careful not to dislodge her own, bomb-free crown. “Shepard would never go for anything so sneaky. She barely even bothered to use her gun.”

Garrus sighed appreciatively. “Spirits, I love watching her race into the middle of a battle field and blow _everything_ up. It’s almost a shame there won’t be any Cerberus infiltrators here today.” 

Meanwhile, James was asking Kaidan, “Can we do that? Does that work? Just telling Javik to shut up?”

Kaidan crossed his arms. “I figured after fifty thousand years the guy probably has a lot to get off his chest. And isn’t Tali kind of like Quarian royalty?”

 “Quarians don’t have royalty. She’s no more royal than I am,” Liara interjected. “And telling Javik to shut up has _never_ worked for me, although I actually wanted to hear what he had to say,” she added thoughtfully.   

Shepard could feel that she’d lost the entire room. Garrus risked making eye contact with that arrogant look of his and started, “Just like—“

“Don’t say it, Garrus,” Shepard interrupted, “This day will absolutely _not_ be like old times. Old times almost always involved things exploding, and since you explicitly made me promise _not_ to kill anyone today, our wedding will _not_ be like old times.”

Grunt visibly slumped. “We’re not killing anyone today?”

The room suddenly went dead quiet as everyone turned to Grunt. “I think it’s probably bad luck to kill someone at a wedding,” Liara said. Grunt gave a little whine of discontent and kicked at the tile floor. Tali choked on her champagne.

Sensing her opportunity, Shepard stepped forward. “It’s time for your assignments.”

Backs straightened and eyes faced forward.

“Wrex—I need you to keep my future husband from trying to tell me any more damn jokes or inviting any more damn guests.”

Garrus rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on, Shepard.”

Wrex grinned and gave a belly laugh. “If he opens his mouth, I’ll punch him in the gut.”

Garrus made what he considered a very charming appeal. “Shepard, sweetheart, love of my life, I made a mistake. Are you really going to sic a Krogan on me?”

Shepard didn’t crack. “Another word, Wrex, and you’re up.”

Garrus, finally convinced he couldn’t talk himself out of this argument, stalked off to a corner. Much to his annoyance, Wrex tailed him. James tried not to laugh while Kaidan elbowed him in the side.

Shepard moved on. “Kaidan—you’re on crowd control. I don’t want a single dignitary getting through to me to congratulate me on my marriage or thank me for saving their life or compliment me on this fucking dress. I need you to use your big brown eyes and Canadian charm to keep those assholes away from me.”

Kaidan’s hand shot to his forehead in a salute. “Yes ma’am.”

“And Kaidan?” Shepard raised one eyebrow, “No crying this time.”

“You have to admit, Shep, it worked.”

Shepard closed her eyes and shook her head, and not for the first time wondered how on earth she beat the reapers with this team.

“James, Javik, you’re with Kaidan. Schmooz it up. Or in Javik’s case just… scare them away. I don’t care.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Understood, Commander.”

“James,” Shepard made serious, intense eye contact with Vega, “You have a secondary assignment—and I cannot stress the importance of this assignment enough—so tell me if you think you aren’t up to it.  I need you to make sure that I always have a drink within five feet of me.”

“You got it, Lola.”

“Shepard, didn’t we hire, you know, waiters for this?” Garrus called from across the room.

“We did, Garrus, but with twelve hundred other people to serve, I can’t exactly expect excellent service, can I?”

Shepard gave a little nod at Wrex, who made a threatening fist at Garrus. Tali started hiccupping, at which James let out a loud snort, and Kaidan once again elbowed him in the side.

Shepard pushed through. “Grunt—you’re on door duty. I need you to make sure that not a single reporter gets in. Now against my better judgment I promised my future husband that I wouldn’t kill anyone today, but if you see a single one of those flying camera drones, _shoot_ _it down.”_

Grunt looked thrilled and unholstered his shotgun. “Heh heh heh heh. Got it.“

“Actually…” Samantha looked absolutely pained as she stepped forward. “We thought it would be nice if we could record the wedding…” she eyed Shepard’s clenching fist, “you know… for your… memories…” Samantha pressed on bravely, “We’ve decorated the cameras with flowers and everything. They’ll look beautiful! You probably won’t even notice them!”

“Hold up.” Shepard raised an eyebrow. “ _Them??_ ”

“Well, you need several cameras to get holos… and also the whole thing is going to be live streamed across the entire galaxy”

The last words were delivered as a terrified squeak.

She snarled her groom’s name like the worst invective she knew “Garrus!”

Garrus put his hands out in utter defeat. He had to concede the absurdity of agreeing to put Shepard in front of cameras on purpose. “The primarch made some really strong points about improving the morale of the galactic population.” 

Liara and Kaidan looked thunderstruck, but Tali trilled out a skeptical, “Riiiiiggghht.”

Garrus’s hands dropped, and he stared at the floor. With chagrin he added, “And his brandy was exceptionally good.”  

Wrex didn’t wait for a signal from Shepard this time. He tapped Garrus on the shoulder, and when the turian turned, the Krogan warlord was gearing up for a headbutt. Garrus instinctively dropped to the floor and rolled out of the way, leaving Wrex plowing into nothing but air. James lost it, bursting into uncontrollable laughter, and Kaidan apologetically dragged him giggling from the room. Javik followed them out, looking perplexed.

Shepard kept her face straight. “Grunt, shoot down any drone that is not covered in flowers. Remove anyone not on the list. Remove reporters with… enthusiasm.”

“Heh heh heh heh. I’ll get started now.” Grunt charged out of room with a huge smile on his face.

“Wrex! You’ve done enough! You better go with him.” Wrex had been considering attempting another headbutt, but he followed Grunt out.

“Samantha, you already have your assignment from Alliance Command. You don’t have to stick around here.”

“Yes, ma’am,” she said, “But it’s been an honor to help you get ready for your big day. And can I just say, you look beautiful.”

Shepard allowed this. Samantha pulled out her omnitool as she quickly left the room.

Liara approached Shepard a little nervously. “Shepard, you didn’t give me an assignment.”

“I don’t have one for you. I figured you would be too busy gathering information on all of our esteemed guests. This kind of opportunity can’t come along for you often. Besides,” Shepard grinned wickedly, “Find something on each of them that can ruin their day, and that will be the best present of all.”

For once, Liara looked genuinely surprised. “That’s incredibly thoughtful of you, Shepard. But you know, I do have agents on the guest list. I’ll be able to take some breaks and enjoy the party. And if anyone in particular bothers you today, I’ll make sure they have a terrible time at the reception.”

“That’s my girl.”

There was just one person left to brief. “Tali?”

Tali had moved her emergency induction port directly into the champagne bottle. “Shepaaaaaard.”

Shepard let a small smile creep onto her face. “Are you going to be sober enough to stand up there with me as my bridesmaid?”

“Noooo problem!” Tali passed the champagne bottle to Shepard and held her arms out in front of her for balance, then did the slow processional walk they had practiced the day before. “And if any of those drones bother you, I can set Chatika on them.” Tali kept walking, making drone noises and pitching her arms out.  

“Maybe we should get you some emergency water, Tali,” Liara said, “Or some emergency coffee?” She escorted the Quarian out.

Finally alone, Garrus approached Shepard apprehensively. “Shepard, I—“ his voice faltered under her inscrutable gaze. Then she cracked a smile. Then a chuckle. Then a full-throated laugh. “ _You rolled!”_ she choked out, “I mean, I can’t believe he was going to _headbutt_ you, but you _rolled!_ In your _tux!”_   She laughed until tears were streaming down her face, and Garrus stood there, dumbfounded. When she finally composed herself, she reached up to gently stroke his face. He leaned down into it, pressing his forehead against hers. “You made a mess of this wedding, Mr. Vakarian.”

“You know… I called Cortez and Joker. They are both willing to mutiny and get us off this planet if you say the word. They’re standing by.”

“I love you so much.” She wrapped her arm around him and pulled him in to her, closing her eyes and relaxing for what felt like the first time since the ill-fated night Garrus had agreed to have dinner with the primarch. “Unfortunately, we’re doing this. Tell them to call off the mutiny and come inside.”

Garrus’s mandibles twitched playfully. “Is that my assignment, Commander?”

“No. Your assignment is to walk into that room with me, in front of one thousand two hundred and four people--”

“—and everyone watching it live—“ he reminded her helpfully.

“—and everyone watching it live and on a delay and on the reruns and vids—and go through an incredibly boring ceremony with me so that we can make it to the party at the end.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“Yes ma’am.” 


End file.
